Read Part 1 here.
Sadly, things took a turn for the worse on our flight. At the very end of our flight I began to bleed heavily. We were minutes from landing and I was terrified. I was picked up in a wheelchair and whisked through customs where we waited for EMS. We were taken to the ER at Mass. General, which, as it turns out, is a CRAZY place. To say we were scared would be an understatement. We were in the ER for hours being tested and poked and prodded. Finally the doctor came to share the results of the ultrasound and they didn't find anything but blood. I had lost the babies. The NP who shared the news was so callous and cold. I thought my heart would literally break. So quickly it was all taken away. Follow up appointments with the OB (who was very nice) that week showed the same result and our numbers were not doubling as they should. Talk about the worst trip ever. Did I mention we didn't have our bags? We hadn't picked them up before heading to the hospital and they didn't deliver them that night. Not even a clean set of clothes to change into. Luckily my Mom flew up to help, and having her there was such a comfort. Our bags did come about 24 hours later. Another comfort was my sweet support group of friends. From all over the world they were praying and consoling and making phone calls. They wrapped their arms around me and their love was certainly felt. My RE back in Turkey was also very caring. Constantly emailing and making recommendations, all from halfway around the world. He said even in the face of all that bad news, he had not given up hope.
Not given up hope? How could you?!? Once again we were excited only to be devastated. I didn't know if I could handle any more of this. Why us? It wasn't fair. I sobbed. I begged. I kicked my feet. I questioned the plans of God. Jordan cried for the first time in this long journey. It was the deepest kind of sad. Then, I was blessed with a sudden overwhelming peace. Not that all the sadness went away, but a sense of peace that helped me to be okay with not understanding. God-given for sure. I didn't know why, but I knew WHO.
The doctor recommended a follow up ultrasound when we returned to Turkey, prior to scheduling a D&C, so we drove to the clinic as soon as we could. (I started my new job the day after we got back. Talk about longest day of work ever.) The RE ushered us into the ultrasound room right away. I was holding my breath. I can still feel the intense feeling of fear and then, by the grace of God, relief. There was a heartbeat. One sweet little bean was in there growing away. As my friend Wendi said, God doesn't work in percentages, He is in the miracle business. Unfortunately we also had a large clot inside the uterus, keeping our miracle baby (Jordan named him Rambo since he's a fighter) at risk as the clot could pass and take the baby with it. While we were devastated to know we had lost Baby B, after being told we had lost both babies it was just so incredible that we were still in the game.
The following weeks were full of ultrasounds and appointments. I was still so racked with fear. It was as if my heart would just not believe that I was truly pregnant. I felt like every appointment would be "the one" where I could relax, but I just couldn't. I learned so much about trusting God during this time. I continued to pray Luke 12:25-26, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" There it was, in black and white. There was nothing I could do. I truly had to give this situation to the Lord. He is the ultimate deciding factor and only He can provide the comfort I need.
By the grace of God each appointment continued to bring good news. The clot was passing and Baby C was still growing strong. We passed the 12 week mark and it started to feel real. (Throwing up every day was a good reminder.) We made it to the gender ultrasound and not only did we have a baby- we had a baby BOY! We made it to 20 weeks and then to the third trimester. Lord willing, little Deacon will join us in June.
I must admit I have grieved more for our sweet Baby B as this pregnancy has progressed. Once my mind processed the pregnancy I also processed the fact that we had a sweet little one in heaven that would never get to join our family. A baby that is so loved but will never be held. It's sad.
Would I go through all the pain again given the option? Well, no. But you know what? I wouldn't trade the lessons I learned or the little boy growing inside me for the world. This is the most prayed over little boy you could imagine. He is so very loved and cared about. It makes me emotional just to think of sharing the story of how much his Mom and Dad (and EVERYONE they know) prayed for him before he was even born. I wouldn't trade the fact that we had to wait, because I truly believe it has made is more grateful. The throwing up, the not so fun parts...we are grateful for it all. We know all to well how quickly it can be taken away.
So there you have it, our story up until today. If you are in my shoes, at any stage of the game, I just want to encourage you that God has a plan. He has a wonderful and glorious plan, one that is meant to prosper you and not to harm you. Does that mean your path will be easily? Certainly not. It does, however, mean that the outcome He has for you is the best one. Take it from me!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Our Story Part 1
(VERY long. Just warning you now.)
I can easily say that 2011 was the most difficult year of my life thus far. Although, in saying that I must also mention that it was the year in my life where I grew the most. God certainly allowed (and is allowing) our journey to be one that forever changes how we view things. While you've seen the journey in bits and pieces, I think it's important for me to get it all down before I forget the details. I'll warn you (again), it's a long one...
January started with devastating news- your chances of getting pregnant on your own are about 2%, with IUI just 10%, and it is recommended you move straight to IVF. No month of Clomid, no attempt at IUI, our best "real" chance is through the big one- IVF. Outside looking in this must seem like such a simple statement- you have your diagnosis and your treatment- but it was so much more. It meant grieving the reality of conceiving on our own, it meant the beginning of hours of research on God-honoring fertility treatments, and it meant moving straight to plan F. Do not pass go, do not try the simpler method...it's the big guns for you.
As always, God was watching over us through this process. He placed us in an environment with supportive and knowledgeable friends that listened to me cry and offered words of wisdom. He placed us in a country that made IVF an affordable option, less than 1/3 of the cost of the stateside procedure. He gave us medical coverage that assisted with many medications and a medical provider (family practice, not RE) that had been through the process with his wife and shared our desire to honor life throughout the process.
We started our first round in February, transferring 2 beautiful embryos in March. The shots hurt, I experienced painful hyper stimulation, I was continually cranky- but it was worth it. We had a positive home pregnancy test and a positive (but low) beta (blood test). Sadly the numbers did not double the way they should in a healthy pregnancy, and we had to deal with our first loss after our first rush of excitement. The doctor had said we had a good chance, that everything looked as if it was in our favor, but it was not to be.
Luckily we had just enough embryos to freeze to allow us to do a FET cycle in May. We took April off and tried to think about other things, enjoying a trip to Israel and our time in Turkey. May's FET was MUCH easier. No stimulating, no retrieving eggs...just getting ready and transferring our embryos. We had 3 precious babies (we believe that life begins at conception) and had come to a peace about transferring all 3, as we felt strongly about not discarding any. Sadly, only one embryo was strong enough to make it, and we transferred that little one around Memorial Day. I wasn't nearly as hopeful about this one, knowing that the odds were against us with only one, and still feeling the pain of our first round in my heart. As we flew to Texas for a summer trip, we realized the FET had not worked, and we had to decide where to go from there.
We took the summer off and decided to try again in August, only to be told I had a cyst that would delay our treatment by a month. I know this doesn't seem like a lot, but when you have already been waiting, one month seems like an eternity. One month taking birth control no less. Oh the irony. Luckily the birth control did the trick and we were on again for treatment in September. Shots, shots, and more shots. Hormones, hormones, and more hormones. Again I responded well and we had 10 eggs fertilize. 6 beautiful embryos made it to day 3, which is when the doctor decided to transfer. I was very nervous about this as 5 day transfers tend to have better success rates, but they hadn't worked for us in the past, so we went with it. We transferred 3 embryos and the wait began.
Finally blood test day came and I was praying and praying for a number over 50. With a low number from the first round, I really needed a strong number to feel safe with being excited. The doctor called and the test was positive! My HCG level was 296!!!! Talk about God filling our cup until it runneth over! We were elated and continued to be as the number continued to rise. With a number like that we knew the chance for multiples was good, which was thrilling and a little scary at the same time. Sure enough we went in for our first ultrasound and saw 2 sacs! We were having twins! On that wonderful note we headed out on a trip to Boston.
To Be Continued...
I can easily say that 2011 was the most difficult year of my life thus far. Although, in saying that I must also mention that it was the year in my life where I grew the most. God certainly allowed (and is allowing) our journey to be one that forever changes how we view things. While you've seen the journey in bits and pieces, I think it's important for me to get it all down before I forget the details. I'll warn you (again), it's a long one...
January started with devastating news- your chances of getting pregnant on your own are about 2%, with IUI just 10%, and it is recommended you move straight to IVF. No month of Clomid, no attempt at IUI, our best "real" chance is through the big one- IVF. Outside looking in this must seem like such a simple statement- you have your diagnosis and your treatment- but it was so much more. It meant grieving the reality of conceiving on our own, it meant the beginning of hours of research on God-honoring fertility treatments, and it meant moving straight to plan F. Do not pass go, do not try the simpler method...it's the big guns for you.
As always, God was watching over us through this process. He placed us in an environment with supportive and knowledgeable friends that listened to me cry and offered words of wisdom. He placed us in a country that made IVF an affordable option, less than 1/3 of the cost of the stateside procedure. He gave us medical coverage that assisted with many medications and a medical provider (family practice, not RE) that had been through the process with his wife and shared our desire to honor life throughout the process.
We started our first round in February, transferring 2 beautiful embryos in March. The shots hurt, I experienced painful hyper stimulation, I was continually cranky- but it was worth it. We had a positive home pregnancy test and a positive (but low) beta (blood test). Sadly the numbers did not double the way they should in a healthy pregnancy, and we had to deal with our first loss after our first rush of excitement. The doctor had said we had a good chance, that everything looked as if it was in our favor, but it was not to be.
Luckily we had just enough embryos to freeze to allow us to do a FET cycle in May. We took April off and tried to think about other things, enjoying a trip to Israel and our time in Turkey. May's FET was MUCH easier. No stimulating, no retrieving eggs...just getting ready and transferring our embryos. We had 3 precious babies (we believe that life begins at conception) and had come to a peace about transferring all 3, as we felt strongly about not discarding any. Sadly, only one embryo was strong enough to make it, and we transferred that little one around Memorial Day. I wasn't nearly as hopeful about this one, knowing that the odds were against us with only one, and still feeling the pain of our first round in my heart. As we flew to Texas for a summer trip, we realized the FET had not worked, and we had to decide where to go from there.
We took the summer off and decided to try again in August, only to be told I had a cyst that would delay our treatment by a month. I know this doesn't seem like a lot, but when you have already been waiting, one month seems like an eternity. One month taking birth control no less. Oh the irony. Luckily the birth control did the trick and we were on again for treatment in September. Shots, shots, and more shots. Hormones, hormones, and more hormones. Again I responded well and we had 10 eggs fertilize. 6 beautiful embryos made it to day 3, which is when the doctor decided to transfer. I was very nervous about this as 5 day transfers tend to have better success rates, but they hadn't worked for us in the past, so we went with it. We transferred 3 embryos and the wait began.
Finally blood test day came and I was praying and praying for a number over 50. With a low number from the first round, I really needed a strong number to feel safe with being excited. The doctor called and the test was positive! My HCG level was 296!!!! Talk about God filling our cup until it runneth over! We were elated and continued to be as the number continued to rise. With a number like that we knew the chance for multiples was good, which was thrilling and a little scary at the same time. Sure enough we went in for our first ultrasound and saw 2 sacs! We were having twins! On that wonderful note we headed out on a trip to Boston.
To Be Continued...
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