Round 1 is over and I lost. Big time. The hormones, the shots, the waiting, it wasn't enough. It also had to end with disappointment. I'll take you back to the 2WW (Two Week Wait) and try to explain.
We left the embryo transfer on a high. We transferred 2 beautiful embryos. We saw their picture, we saw them being placed, and we were told to expect good news. The odds were with us for pregnancy and we were elated. The actual wait was a different story. For a month I had been giving myself shots, taking medicine, going to appointments, I felt like I had some control. During the wait? Nothing. Sure, I was still taking plenty of hormones and stabbing myself in the belly with painful needles, but there was nothing I could do. It was all in God's hands and I had to wait. I teetered between being completely convinced I was pregnant and just knowing that it wouldn't work. "Just relax" people said. Ha! What a joke! The result of a month of pain, a year of disappointment, and thousands of dollars came down to whether or not my body would do what it was supposed to do.
I told myself to wait for a certain day. According to my calculations a home pregnancy test on this day would be able to pick up the pregnancy hormone, and although it was before my test at the clinic, at least I would have some sort of answer. So I waited and waited and waited, and when the morning came I took the test. I had taken a million before, naturally, as every IF girl has. Truly, I wasn't even sure if my body could produce a positive one. But there it was, a positive test. I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I ran in to tell a sleeping Jordan, it was 4:30am after all, and we were both thrilled. I shared the news with a friend and went to the clinic to get a confirmation. Thanks to the help of some very sweet friends within an hour I had the news that we were indeed pregnant. What an incredible incredible feeling. With that news I started to think about how to tell my family, due dates, twin possibilities, all of it. I finally let my mind be happy and excited about the possibility of having a baby. I shared with two more friends who were with me through the process and scheduled a test at my clinic for the following day.
As if to say, "yeah right!" that afternoon things quickly went down hill. The spotting started and so did the doubt. My google medical degree assured me it was normal, but the doubt had already crept in. The next day the doctor reassured me that it was normal and I spent the day waiting for his call with the results. 16 he said. 16. Yes, I am pregnant, but no, it doesn't look good. 30 is normal, 16 was me. Don't give up hope he said, but how could I not? A follow up test 2 days later confirmed that my levels were dropping, I had miscarried the pregnancy for a reason they do not know. Yes, it was early, but I can assure you, when you are in this position, you feel the loss like you would 3 weeks down the road.
The high, the low, we had it all. It felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. Why me? Why us? Why does God allow some people 19 children, and others none at all? 2 months we have to wait. 2 months and then we start again. More hormones, more waiting, and maybe more disappointment. Can I handle it? I don't know. Right now I'm just trying to wrap my head around what happened. I'm trying to embrace the suck. I'm trying to see that God has a plan for us, and while we may not understand it, it is infinitely better than our plan. But truthfully, that's hard to embrace at the moment.
For now I'm just here. Trying to get back to normal.